Today was awful and amazing all wrapped up into one.

Just a heads up – this post is personal but I need to get it out and my blog is my safe space, so I’m going to do just that.

Margaret. My grandmother. My middle name. My heart. My Mamy.

Mémé is French for grandmother. We were always a little bit lazy and spelled it Mamy.

Me & Mamy in Italy in 2015 for my sisters wedding.

My grandmother is my favorite person on this earth. She IS my heart. I love her more than I can ever put into words.

A bushel and a peck…

My grandmother is dying.

Feb 2nd, 2019 (her birthday), she was diagnosed with dementia. It was like a light switch went out almost immediately.

Later that year in May, she took a fall and spent 99 days in the hospital before finally getting a spot in long term care.

On March 9th, 2020, I visited my grandmother for the last time before everything abruptly came to an end because of Covid-19. We could no longer visit her.

The shocking reality that I may actually never see her again took my breath away.

However, last week we were approved to have indoor visits with her. This broke my heart because I knew what that meant. She is failing to a point that the nurses realize we need to see her.

Not needing to go visit her was a bit of a mind trip. It’s almost like I could pretend it wasn’t happening.

Today I got to visit her for the first time in 5 months. I had moments where I could remember as a kid, that feeling of sheer excitement when we were going to Mamy’s house. That feeling never goes away….

Mamy holding my oldest daughter the day she was born in 2011.

It was awful and amazing all wrapped up into one.

It’s come to my conclusion that dementia is one of the worst diseases I can think of. I know that’s a bold statement to make since I have only walked in my own shoes but it’s awful. Anyone who has had this awful disease touch their family will understand.

She was sleepy today. Opened her eyes only a few times but I got to look her in her eyes and tell her that I loved her a bushel and a peck. She half smiled. She’s getting weak so she sleeps a lot.

I will get to see her again next Sunday.

If anyone prays, I very much would like to ask for prayers of strength for my family to get through this.

This is not a battle we will win.

Jesus, I pray for peace of mind & clarity to remember Your grace through this. Comfort for Mamy and for her not to suffer. Amen.

I love you, Mamy.

**I hope this is not a post that turns anyone away. To say I’m a little bit broken right now is an understatement. This blog is not going to be all business for me. I’m pretty transparent and this is my journey right now. I hope you’ll stay with me through it, share your thoughts and your journey as well.

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